Love Journal - Material Possessions

Material Possessions

It has been my experience that holding onto physical items can be just as harmful - if not more- as holding onto emotions and a destructive, abusive past.  I have found that when I've rid myself of the physical things that were either given to me/ that remind me of that abusive relationship that it made moving on much easier- to not only get rid of these things but to also consciously make the decision - so as to not be left with feelings of regret.  Once I got to a point where I decided to throw the cards, the gifts, the clothes away I did go through some pain with being attached to the items but eventually it gave me feelings of triumph, accomplishment, I felt so proud of myself.  I had finally done the thing that was so very hard for me.  It got easier with every item I got rid of, I even tore up and trashed the pictures.  Talk about therapeutic!  No longer could I "re-connect" and pull out a picture and sending myself falling back into bad habits which included things like making excuses for the abuse, convincing/trying to convince myself that the damage wasn't so bad saying things like besides it doesn't hurt the way it used to - I finally realized that the reason it didn't hurt as bad was because I had become numb, I would sit and allow myself to be verbally torn down, attacked and stumped upon by malicious words ripping through about my character, my self image, my thoughts about my life- everything I could think of was being compromised by this poison which seeped and leaked into every area of my life.  I was being judged on the physical on my relationship with God, my relationship with my son, every part of my life was fair game to be killed. 

Counseling helped, talking about it, writing has helped, replaying the abuse situation and seeing the lesson there/even remembering it with a better and different outcome.  Listening to songs that were loving/ sexy - thinking of these in terms of myself instead of looking outwardly for the love and affection.  Watching/listening to good comedy- laughing is so therapeutic.

One of my teachers said something like -  To attract the person you want that you must first give yourself love/ be the love you want, remember that people wont treat you better than you treat yourself, choose your man - don't let a man choose you. 

Pretty Good Girl

from The Flowering Collection

Ink, Opaque gold paint

The Love Journal

Love Journal

Blueberry Beauty

In the past to help me get through, to move past abuse wounds I went to counselors, I talked about what happened, how it made me feel, the things that it made me fearful of, I learned more about myself, and probably most importantly I learned that it wasn't my fault.  My abuse wounds started as a child and until recently I had been engaged with a person who I met many years ago and allowed that person in my life even after they had proven that they would continue being physically, mentally, and verbally abusive.  This journal isn't to rehash those stories, this journal is about love and how I am healing from my abuse wounds by using and practicing self love, which is still a struggle today. 

Blueberry Beauty
from The Flowering Collection
Ink, Opaque gold paint

Pea out of the Pod

what does it take to get the pea out of the pod?

must it be odd, must it be frank

must it be all the things they say he/she aint?

by the way, who is they?

what does it take to get the pea out of the pod?

more than a prod, perhaps a job, no - that aint hard

it - must - be - difficult

it must be secret

if so who keeps it

and who can reach it

maybe we should define who, hmm?

what of the two peas?

we speak, connect - we helped secure that

without looking in the mirror how can we watch our mouth?

what about when it pouts vs smile?

what about when it hasn't done that in a while?

because it's mad, sad,

had

hard-times

what of it then?

what does it take to get the pea out of the pod?

it's so comfortable, this is home, its reckless though

sit in judgement prone

we had this mentality so long it doesn't feel wrong

same song

but look what the naga dun' done

drew it out.

Note to self: Good Morning

Note to self: Good Morning



Its a new day - act like it - Good Morning!
whatever's in my way - its ok - I'm on it
noted the pattern - thought of a way to own it
besides saying "I wanted to..."
stopped talking and started doing it
plus help me observe how the crowd was moving
be more in tune next round I face something I find hard doing its a cycle to everything
first gotta acknowledge
take note of the pattern again see the pattern within the pattern and when
the variation's acknowledged
time to graduate to next - I call knowledge and wisdom
listen close with them
noticed what captured the intention
gave that more attention
pulled out the inventions
all the inside venting
all the mess that was held in
the second guessing
excessive excuse exercise
tied up tried and left that behind
picked up trust, put that in the chest
bagged up the rest and left
no time to waste on what I didn't face in the past
nowadays few thoughts pass that's making me wait
the wait is over, at last, Hello Today.

It's a new day to give Praise and Thanks, Good Morning!

Self Love Self Hatred Love Self

Self Love Self Hatred  Love Self

There are a lot of similarities
with what I experienced
in my past few relationships with what I see
from the outside looking in
on the relationship my friend
has currently
for it is
a reflection
of me

I know from my past that low self esteem played a huge part in the negative aspects of those relationships. I sought security on unstable ground
try talking to bleeding ears damaged by a sharp tongue that cut until it heard none
no victim - was back and forth with him
I'd cling to arms that longed to hold another - an invisible wall separated our hearts and nothing else worked, not attempts to show our gratitude or appreciation, not small exchanges and pleasantries or efforts to squelch self hatred
lets make this basic
I had to remember the road we traveled to verbal, emotional and physical abuses
so that we don't dare turn that way and go there again
ignoring red flags, flashing lights, yield signs and the larger than life STOP!!!
the danger - do not enter, trespassing, private property and what not

Without self esteem, self respect we self inflict pain on ourselves and beat ourselves to unrecognizable figures
that WE
don't recognize
neglect ourselves and uphold others that in turn treat us like sh*t and we are sh*t to accept it
but we don't really care because we agree with the treatment
because we say we love and respect ourselves but the real is that we don't believe it
and we don't show it, and we don't feel it
so how can we EVER expect the next man or woman to see it?
and if we speak to them from our own lying mouths about how divine, fine, God, Goddess, King, Queen, Prince, Princess we are
we are a fool twice over to believe that the next person receives it

I know in my heart that I'm not where I want to be as far as being in love with me
but
I am on that path
I declare right now that I will, I will, I will myself to stay on task
because relationships take work, relationships bring about hurt and none is perfect in this duality of an existence we are in, so we must pay attention to reap the rewards of well maintained land, that strong foundation, pay attention to the small crack in the pavement because one day it will stretch and grow to larger proportions and cause a leak... a flood...

Security in SELF, self Love is the only thing strong enough to put up a fight with disrespectful asses because love for yourself will step up and let it be known- aye- not here, you can go on, immediately,
don't give bullsh*t time to marinate into more and more bullsh*t
it stinks already that little bit grows into something else,  how unfortunate
Enough with the lecture,
lets go on and impress the person
to whom it should matter most, grab the mirror,
Who's first?


© 2016 Lakesha S. Keith

Carry the Elephant

Elephant Bag - Black

Carry the Elephant

 

The elephant is a symbol of power, strength, expansiveness, the fact is - this mammal eats large amounts of vegetation and require plenty of room to prosper, can literally weigh tons, and its an endangered species – the fact is - to carry the #BlackArtisans Elephant Bag is a symbol of the power of transforming heaviness to lightness. To change the things that we tend to carry around that weighs us down and zaps our energy and spirit into a renewed sense of self, to look at life with fresh eyes like the innocence of a child, to reach out to our friends and family in times when we need help, to recognize that we do not have to carry our load alone. This is a celebration of this realization; it is a reminder that to assist others is a way of also assisting self.

 

Carry the Elephant

 

Elephant Bag - Yellow

Black Artisans - A Decade of Art Vol. 2

Black Artisans - A Decade of Art Vol. 2

Volume 2 is really about making room, after thinking on a what to share, the concept of making room came to me.  Although the idea is not a new one, the way that I’ve looked at it is different in relation to many things.   Its something that can be applied to anything in our lives.  If we are full we can continue to stuff ourselves but eventually something is going to spill out and when it does its not going to be pretty.  Whether it’s a closet that is bursting at the seams, or our protruding belly, our attitudes, or even the collections that we have. 

When I speak of collections what I mean is the numerous projects that so many of us have that have sat perhaps in a drawer somewhere, on a shelf, or even in our minds. I've come to realize how difficult it had become for me to not only have things that were long over due to be shared with the world, but also, that it was ludicrous for me to expect that I could continue to go on with project after project– leaving behind all sorts of unfinished work and actually expect to somehow generate beautiful out of the mess that I was ignoring. I call it a mess because that’s what those lovely things become when we allow them to pile up and get stale.  Suddenly we look up and its been a week, a month, half the year is gone, then a few years and so on.  We look around and we see ideas for things that we once thought of ourselves and someone else was courageous enough to put it out there while we remained in doubt and fear.  I cannot count how many times I've seen an article of clothing or a wall of amazing graffiti that resembled some of my own designs and it seemed that I would notice these things more the longer that I sat on my work. It made me scared, it had me worried and concerned and even considering that I would one day have so much regret if I continued to ignore my projects. 

Projects are for projection, they are created to be shared, to be heard and seen and be there out in the world because it’s for others as well as ourselves.  I don’t want to be selfish anymore, I cant be selfish anymore, and I will not be selfish anymore.  Just a few short weeks into a new year a revelation has come to me– and it is this— that I must, it is vital that I release these projects if I am ever to see my dreams come true, that by holding onto these projects I have not been allowing the space, the room, the time for the projects that have not yet revealed themselves to come into the light of day.  I know that deep down inside I would be denying the growth of myself and any projects to come to continue as I had done for decades.  The time is now.