Love Journal - Material Possessions

Material Possessions

It has been my experience that holding onto physical items can be just as harmful - if not more- as holding onto emotions and a destructive, abusive past.  I have found that when I've rid myself of the physical things that were either given to me/ that remind me of that abusive relationship that it made moving on much easier- to not only get rid of these things but to also consciously make the decision - so as to not be left with feelings of regret.  Once I got to a point where I decided to throw the cards, the gifts, the clothes away I did go through some pain with being attached to the items but eventually it gave me feelings of triumph, accomplishment, I felt so proud of myself.  I had finally done the thing that was so very hard for me.  It got easier with every item I got rid of, I even tore up and trashed the pictures.  Talk about therapeutic!  No longer could I "re-connect" and pull out a picture and sending myself falling back into bad habits which included things like making excuses for the abuse, convincing/trying to convince myself that the damage wasn't so bad saying things like besides it doesn't hurt the way it used to - I finally realized that the reason it didn't hurt as bad was because I had become numb, I would sit and allow myself to be verbally torn down, attacked and stumped upon by malicious words ripping through about my character, my self image, my thoughts about my life- everything I could think of was being compromised by this poison which seeped and leaked into every area of my life.  I was being judged on the physical on my relationship with God, my relationship with my son, every part of my life was fair game to be killed. 

Counseling helped, talking about it, writing has helped, replaying the abuse situation and seeing the lesson there/even remembering it with a better and different outcome.  Listening to songs that were loving/ sexy - thinking of these in terms of myself instead of looking outwardly for the love and affection.  Watching/listening to good comedy- laughing is so therapeutic.

One of my teachers said something like -  To attract the person you want that you must first give yourself love/ be the love you want, remember that people wont treat you better than you treat yourself, choose your man - don't let a man choose you. 

Pretty Good Girl

from The Flowering Collection

Ink, Opaque gold paint